Artwork, Musings & Dreams

So yeah, I haven't posted on here forever. It's only one part of my life that has been neglected lately, along with basically everything else I can think of. I've missed too much class, eaten too much junk food, wasted money, the usual stuff I do on a weekly basis. I could be reading a book right now, but I'm chomping down nachos and swilling away the good old Theraflu. I'm what you call a partyer... well, no I'm not. But eh, whatever.

The best thing about this last week was the announcement of the first leg of the Gamma Ray tour in Europe in February and March. If I didn't have school, I would just go early and see them a few times. God that would be exciting. I'll be patient though, and work on my schoolwork, and then if I get the chance to shoot them when I'm in Germany, or when they come here, that'll work out.

I also set up a new Myspace account for my photography. I'm hoping to be able to shoot several concerts during the winter break, and have some of those published in Metal-Rules.com like I did with Testament.

But other than that, it's life as normal. Deadlines are looming, creativity is going, in the wrong areas, but hey, I'm producing... It's a little cheesy when working on a birthday present is more important than working on class output, but such is life. I need to get it finished and sent out, which I should do after this journal entry. Yeeehawr.

I guess I'll wrap this up, and hopefully more people will look at this once in a while. I'll try to post some pictures of current work in the next few days.
Woot :D

and PS, Dio is apparently still in the hospital, at least it was reported mid-week, and hopefully he will be ok. I haven't listened to him for very long (yeah I'm a moron) but a world without Dio isn't any kind of world at all...

I'm taking a class in photography right now that is for sophomores, basically a make up since I missed it since I was wasting time and money in painting last fall.

I think I'm wasting even more time and money on this class, it is killing me, and I think I just broke a camera. I'm not sure yet and I have to wait until tomorrow to figure it out but I'm at a point where I'm not sure I can deal with this for another 8 weeks. All I seem to do is screw things up. I work hard, I come up with ideas, and the minute I take a picture, all that work goes down the tubes. Then you wonder why I like digital photography.

I'm sick of this garbage, I'm sick of having to wait a retardedly long time for anything I do shoot to get developed, and then when I get stuf back, it's maybe 2 sheets out of the six I shot. That is pathetic and I really feel stupid and basically an imbecile for even attempting to do anything about this. I'm not sure what to do and I'm confused and angry I even signed up for this class.

*some nachos later*

I talked to Capn some, and she reminded me I'll live, and that she's had a craptastical week too... I think everyone has... Barb's hamster, Waffles, died earlier while I was in messing up the camera. Jeesh. For some reasonn there's something amazingly comforting about a bowl of ground beef, cheese sauce and Mexican rice that really does the trick. I'm sure I'll pay for it later, but who cares? Feh.

I wonder if John Bonham liked nachos. He seems like he would have been a nacho chompin kinda guy...

*sigh* I just gotta remind myself, Germany gets closer every day...

Why is it that sometimes hot Ramen on a cold October day is the most amazing thing ever? hehe

I feel quite successful today. I spent part of yesterday at the lab and got most of my prints for the heavy metal project done, as well as a few for my advanced digital class. They look awesome, hell yeah awesome, so I'm quite pleased. I just need to start formulating the text for the frames. I might just wait and do it stream of consciousness though. If I plan it out too much I'm going to be screwed and it won't have the desired effect. Of course, if it's not planned out enough it's going to be incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't know me, so yeah. Course, is that really even a concern? I really don't know.

Now, I just better get abit of a nap before it's time for work. My head's still kind of sore, but hopefully in a few weeks all the pollen and weeds will die. Then I'll probably get a cold and be stuffed up until March. herrherr.

School is progressing, as it often does. I'm exhausted. My promotion at work has now been made official, so my weekends are going to be a lot of stress and no time for resting. Of course, at the moment I'm just sitting on my couch half watching Iron Maiden and nursing a headache.

I've been developing one project for my main studio class, to use photos I took during my summer of shooting concerts, and combine them with writings that relate to the photos some way, but also elaborate more on me as a person and as an observer and partaker in this scene. Hopefully I'll get some of that done tomorrow. I just need to pick what images I want to actually use, and then print them out so I can arrange them and start writing things. A couple of them might end up being very personal, about the dark side of the summer and some of the 'friendships' that turned sour. I'm feeling very disillusioned at the moment with the heavy metal scene in Kansas City, and some of the people who I have met because of this.

It's almost as though most of them wear a mask. They tell people they want to take them seriously that they listen to this music and love this music. They talk about how there should be more of this kind of show, or that kind of show - power metal is what shows up a lot - yet at the same time are lazy and refuse to actually promote gigs unless their name is on the bill.
I'm not sure I am one to promote some kind of heavy metal utopia, or universe, as it were, but it would be nice for people to cheer each other on. When shows are going on all the time, the number of people who want to be considered as serious musicians and performers in attendance is very small. It's embarrassing to think about bands coming from other parts of the country, or in a couple cases, other countries, to have their opening bands, usually the ones from here, pack up and take off right after their set. It's sort of a take the money and get the hell out mentality that is very sad.

Sometimes I kind of wonder about the kind of 'artists' that are in this area, if they really understand their purported artform, or if they just pick up the mantle of a genre for its fan base and laurels, without realizing the kind of sacrifice and effort it takes to really make it.

It makes me sad, to grow up with bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, Queen and Led Zeppelin, who all gave their all for their musical careers, made sacrifices, took on insanely challenging tours and situations, and then to have the flipside of that be some sort of modern culture of little kids who are in some dreamworld where they don't have to travel or gig or do all these other things. Of course, all the aforementioned bands are British and had a lot more access to Europe, which is an extremely expensive place to tour. Of course, the United States and South America is pretty expensive too, just look at the price of airfare for a normal person, and then add on to that all the gear and other stipulations, not to mention the visa requirements and culture shock... nobody seems to get it now.

Now, you can get a video on youtube, people might buy your cd from an online store, or even download mp3s, and that is considered successful. I'm not sure I understand that. I'm sure it's great to be an indie artist, and there are many of very talented people out there, but that is one thing that is missing around here... Talent.

It doesn't take much talent to scream into a microphone, to make growly noises and yell and scream profanities, and tell people to drink more beer. Kansas City does have its share of talented frontmen, who really know how to work a crowd, as it were, maybe 20 or 30 people, but the musical and lyrical content is pointless, either filled with rage, hate or teen angst they never got rid of. Who wants to listen to that? Well, besides emo kids.

I sit and wonder, sometimes, how it is that I came to Kansas City, the 'backwoods' girl from a smaller city, and I seem to know more about bands and music than the people I am photographing. I have more musical training than a lot of them, thanks to my parents, yet I am talked down to, especially by egotistical singers (not a surprise at all) who think I know nothing, one, because I am not a member of a band, and two, unfortunately, because I am female.

I can't look at this without acknowledging that I am female, and I am a metalhead, and because of that, I get looked at a different way. I get hit on, I get moronic drunks who think they can flirt with me by telling me they like my teeshirt. They say oh, that's a really cool shirt, and the moment I start discussing said band, they look at me like I'm crazy and say oh, well, I don't listen to them, I just think the artwork is cool. I don't understand why I am supposed to just smile and go along with it. I think it has something to do with the majority of the other females in the area who listen to metal who basically go with what is 'popular' and go to shows to get drunk. It gets old.

Unfortunatley, another facet of me being a dedicated and educated fan of heavy metal is that if a guy is likewise a metal scholar, I immediately become some treasure trove, a female, who appreciates metal more for the bulge in a pair of leather pants or the way a band looks or that one song they dedicated to me one night, who understands music theory, who understands and can recite discographies, who can name lineups, guitar techniques, who understands the way a drum kit works, and consequently, I become an objectified ideal and elicit a lot of attention that I frankly do not want.

I've come into this situation several times over the summer, some were a lot easier to deal with than others, but a few were very detrimental to my outlook, both personally and artistically, and have educated me in dealing with these sort of people. Sometimes I wish I could wear a burka, or have a larger camera, that almost warrants the setup of a 4x5 apparatus, hiding beneath a black cloth, looking only out of the lens of my camera, no one able to see inside and witness me doing my job, whether paid or amateur.

Ok, on that note my brain is frying, I've been up a long time today, but it was good to meditate and get this stuff out and on 'paper'. I'll write more later on after I do more thinking.