Artwork, Musings & Dreams

I found a journal from 2000 while cleaning.

I read through bits and pieces, and realized my life was so pathetic that it really had no purpose.

I'm really glad I've grown up since then, and if I do write in my journal, it has meaning.

I then threw it away. I remember what I need to, and a lot of it, I'd really like to forget. People, events, places, feelings.

Sometimes I think it's better that way...

Well, so far, not much is going on, haha. I've been out almost a week, and the only really monumental things have been getting grades, which overall were ok I guess, considering the amount of effort I didn't put in, and mailing packages and cards... there are a lot that I still need to get ready. Blahhhh.

I'm getting antsy for the next US Gamma Ray tour. I know I have at least 4 months before I can even start making arrangements, but I'm very excited and I hope I will get permission to photograph several shows... and I hope I can spend some time with Henjo. Hopefully it will happen. It makes me nervous even saying it out loud, but at least I care enough to worry about it. I've been told I'll be a cat lady for not wanting to date anyone else, but who cares? At least I'm concentrating on my dreams and doing what I need to do to watch out for myself. That right there is enough to make me feel better about my present situation... Which is, I suppose pining for a beautiful German man... haha.

My work schedule is messed up. I'm not sure what I will be working. My boss said I would work 4 days and have 3 off, but I have this feeling his best laid plans are going to get jacked around. I'm just prepared for whatever. I also have a lot of other things to do, call about loans, make sure I'm enrolled in the right classes, get a parking permit. Eeegads...

Oh well. I better either go to bed, or get more reading done, while I still have time to read for pleasure... hopefully the art history class I'm going to take will be a good and enjoyable experience. I foresee a lot of paper writing and research in the near future... garrrrrrr.

And as always, Mr. Baby is soft and full of warm cuddlies. And spoiled out the wazoo, hehe :D

So yeah, for the last two nights, I've been waking up at the butt crack of dawn. I'm not sure why but it really sucks. I know it's at least partly from anxiety and stress, but what else is new?

I have officially left KCAI for good, and will be taking classes at UMKC in their art department, and hopefully getting grad credit for them. It's a long time coming and I'm relieved. I got good feedback on my ideas that are still in development, which makes me happy. Plus, I don't have to make up some more garbage for a bachelor's degree, I can just use my big project as my masters' thesis... it's going to be a lot of work.

It's nice that it's so quiet right now. No one is up making noise, it's still dark, and my brain can spin its wheels and not cause any problems.

Unfortunately, in about an hour I have to be at work for a stupid meeting about things that have no bearing on my personal experience there. I guess I am going, even though I don't plan on looking nice or being attentive, and I better get a free Dr. Pepper or someone gets hurt.

There is so much to think about now. My photography myspace has launched, and that's nice. Hopefully some people will contact me about photos. I'm not too worried, because I still have things I need to edit, but it would be nice to at least have some supplemental income, even if it's not fancy work... not like fancy work is that great anyway.

Here's the link, if anyone sees this: http://www.myspace.com/509219671

But yeah, I dunno. At least there's a semi-new beginning coming. Maybe it's already starting, I don't really know and I don't know how I will tell...

Sooo yep. I think I might be on the road to a new life. Or at least a better life through no more classes at KCAI. I'm not sure yet, but there is a good chance I can start grad level courses at UMKC in spring of next year, and I have a meeting tomorrow.

I'm excited, but that's all for now. Marek is ransacking my suitcase, and I need to go buy trashbags and start writing a paper... a week and a half then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the Thanksgiving holiday is almost over. In a few hours, my parents will take my sister to the airport, and then later on I will drive back up to KC and scramble to put things in place to get ready for finals, write a couple papers and pretend that I have some kind of purpose in life. Maybe I do, but right now, my head is a million miles away, wishing I could just go to Germany and get away for a while, maybe make something new for myself. Maybe I should. I don't know yet.

It kind of makes me wonder if I'll be okay if I do move to Europe, but then, I do ok as long as I don't come home, don't remember how nice it is, or think about my family and how much I love them, even though I do quite a lot. I'm the sentimental one, always worrying, always wishing I could be in about 4 places at once, and always wondering what the future is going to hold.

I think about mortality a lot, what life will be like when people are gone, and it makes me very sad.

I dunno... I can't think right now. I need to sleep soon and stop sniffling and think about happy things... and I am, but with them things that aren't so happy always turn up...

So yeah, I haven't posted on here forever. It's only one part of my life that has been neglected lately, along with basically everything else I can think of. I've missed too much class, eaten too much junk food, wasted money, the usual stuff I do on a weekly basis. I could be reading a book right now, but I'm chomping down nachos and swilling away the good old Theraflu. I'm what you call a partyer... well, no I'm not. But eh, whatever.

The best thing about this last week was the announcement of the first leg of the Gamma Ray tour in Europe in February and March. If I didn't have school, I would just go early and see them a few times. God that would be exciting. I'll be patient though, and work on my schoolwork, and then if I get the chance to shoot them when I'm in Germany, or when they come here, that'll work out.

I also set up a new Myspace account for my photography. I'm hoping to be able to shoot several concerts during the winter break, and have some of those published in Metal-Rules.com like I did with Testament.

But other than that, it's life as normal. Deadlines are looming, creativity is going, in the wrong areas, but hey, I'm producing... It's a little cheesy when working on a birthday present is more important than working on class output, but such is life. I need to get it finished and sent out, which I should do after this journal entry. Yeeehawr.

I guess I'll wrap this up, and hopefully more people will look at this once in a while. I'll try to post some pictures of current work in the next few days.
Woot :D

and PS, Dio is apparently still in the hospital, at least it was reported mid-week, and hopefully he will be ok. I haven't listened to him for very long (yeah I'm a moron) but a world without Dio isn't any kind of world at all...

I have a laptop now, it's nice. I'm getting my regular desktop pc back before too long. I hope... Best Buy is being kind of strange about it when I call, even though the other night the guy told me it should be done by Saturday.

Right now I'm just sitting up for no reason, biding my time looking at lolcats and being quiet. Work is wearing me down a lot, and I don't feel very creative.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow, or today I guess. We'll see. Marek is being silly, so there's at least something going on in the atmosphere.

I guess I could unglue myself and either sleep or get some reading for class done. That would probably be advisable...

Ahhwell. Yep, another weekend has come and gone. My computer crapped out, to the point of having to be sent off to the HP repair center. It might be 3 weeks before I get it back, so I'm getting a decent laptop to use from then on.
And now, Marek is pawing on the washing machine. Yay.

I'm so tired of school, tired of dealing with people making me feel very unwanted and a little bit nervous about even being up in the photo/new media area of the building.

I dunno. Right now I guess that's it for me. I love being home at least, and Monty Python, and Gamma Ray. And Henjo, more than anyone else on the planet, at least of those with two legs.

And Mr. Baby, even if he's a nerd.

Yep, indeedy. Basically that's Gamma Ray being drunk, and I like it, so I posted it. I should be drunk, but that involves getting up, and I need to go take cold medicine so I can breathe. Meh.

This week basically sucked. I worked very hard to get things ready for my critiques, only to feel absolutely horrible at the end of each critique. Advanced Digital wasn't so bad, but the midterm departmental one was HORRIBLE. I don't think I've ever felt that embarrassed or shamed, and I didn't even do anything wrong. *sigh* Oh well. It's over now and life will go on whether other jackasses like it or not.

I got my cheapy little Holga in the mail today. I'm ready to go shoot but I don't have any 120 film so I'll be looking into that in the next couple days, if I have time to breathe. Right now I'm not very sure. Peh.

One of my friends in Germany is working at a place that needs people... I'm so tempted to say screw KCAI and move after spring semester is over. That would be amazing, but the money part would SUCK. I mean, it's going to suck anyway, but leaving earlier than I planned would be rough. Mom wants me to do some kind of teaching for America thing where they forgive all your student loans. Oh sure, just keep putting off leaving this craphole for a few more years. Yep, that makes me feel warm and effing fuzzy inside. God I hate it here. It's boring, the people are for the most part dillholes, and I want to be able to go to good shows and of course see the Rayz on a regular basis. *sigh*

It's late now, I better go to bed.

Well, I have been put in my place. People at school hated my work this time around. I'm not sure it matters though. I think partly I was attacked because there is a person in the senior class who has a lot of personal problems and needs to grow up a bit. Too bad for her.

The sad thing is, the opinions I gave were opinions and were valid, and I got my ass ripped for it. The funny part is, the other metalheads I know agree with it, and I'm at this point where I don't even care anymore.

I'm at a point where I don't really think I want to photograph concerts for a while. I will probably still take pics sometimes, but now I think the mystique is lost, and whatever I have done, it's basically ruined me, at least in my own eyes. What a waste of time. I think from now on I'll just photograph other things and let people like Ross Halfin shoot bands. I don't think my opinion or ideas or views matter anyway.

Perhaps this is why there aren't a lot of female metal journalists. Fine with me. I don't even give a crap anymore.